


Fool of a Took

by IronBoom



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Female Bilbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-28 04:50:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6315586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronBoom/pseuds/IronBoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story is going on hold for editing, I will be rewriting the work that I have already done. Then I will continue posting new chapters, this shouldn't take much longer than a week or two.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is going on hold for editing, I will be rewriting the work that I have already done. Then I will continue posting new chapters, this shouldn't take much longer than a week or two.

Chapter 1

In a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole and that means comfort.

It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened into a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel; a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with paneled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats - the hobbit was fond of visitors.

This particular Hobbit was the result of the strangest pairing that had ever happened in the Shire; Belladonna Took and Bungo Baggins, who were complete opposites the other. The Took’s were well known for their love of adventures; which were the worst things in the world in the eyes of the rest of the Shire, for they were dirty nasty things that made one late for dinner. Tooks’ were wild and free and loved to be so. The Baggins were the most respectable family in the Shire; well known for staying well within the boundaries of the Shire and for being unfailingly polite and composed, and most of all, they were respectable in all they did.

Bilba Took, who had taken her mother’s maiden name, was the result of this strange union. Though many were polite to her, she was entirely either too much Took or too much Baggins for the majority of the Shire and as such was treated as though she was an outsider that had lived among them all of her life.

She went on adventures, but they were always planned and she was always back within five months. The Thain, her grandfather, was always informed of her travels at least a week before she left and she always told them when they should expect her back, including any accidents on the road, and when she was to be declared dead. She was polite to everyone; even if she really only had four true friends, three of which were relatives. She went to all the parties that she was invited to, always seeming to give out the perfect gifts on her own birthday. She was always kind and polite when she turned down her suitors, the few that she had, and she always turned them down. She was the best of both the Baggins and the Took’s.

There was a secret, though, to her trips out of the Shire. One that only the Took’s of the Shire knew and none would tell the secret for it was the whole of the Took’s family secret. She was a thief, as were many of the Tooks, though most had only one or two jobs and not very far out of the Shire borders and many retired a few short years after they took up the Tooks secret craft. She had been in the business for two decades now, having learned from her mother shortly before she died and taking up the craft soon after both her mother and father had passed.

The summer after the Fell Winter, the worst winter that the Shire had ever encountered, and the winter both her mother and father were killed, she began to travel. The Brandybuck river froze, something that the Shire had also never experienced, and allowed for the wolves and eventually orcs to pass into the Shire where the peaceful Hobbits were slaughtered with no way to defend themselves. So she learned how to fight, how to sneak and how to steal, badgering any she met that had skill with weapons to teach her. She surpassed first the legacy of her mother; who had been considered the best fighter the Shire had ever known, and then she surpassed her teachers.

She had two names that she only ever used outside of the Shire while she traveled; Nightshade for her thief work, and Bilbo Baggins for when she traveled in between jobs. She usually slept outside, preferring to not giving her name, false though it was, out unless she was creating an alibi. Bilba would rather not have anyone more than necessary able to connect her to her alias’ so she would always have an escape.

Nightshade was a well-known thief, one that had never been caught; though Bilba made sure that she didn’t grow overconfident because of this. In fact, she trained harder every time she made it through a job without being seen; knowing that one day her luck would run out on her. She was a shadow in the night, and she was thought of as a male, for she did her best to hide that she was a woman, both during a job and while she traveled.

When she left for a job, she always did so very early in the day, in order to avoid any curious hobbits, and she always dressed as a man. She had long perfected how to look, walk, and talk like a man, having spent an inordinate amount of time observing male hobbits, and so she was a male to any and all outside of the Shire. All except for one, Gandalf the Grey, who had run into her as she traveled to one of her jobs. He had approved the illusion of being a man, especially as she traveled alone, and had encouraged her to continue doing so.

Thus when she heard the news that the Wizard had been seen in Bree the day before, asking if a Bilbo Baggins had passed through the town out of the Shire recently, she knew to expect him soon. She was sitting out on her bench the next morning, enjoying a smoke of a bit of ‘Old Toby’, when she heard the tell-tale steps of the wizard, going step-step-thunk as he walked up the path to her smial with his staff at his side.

She opened her eyes as she wished him a Good Morning and waited for him to play his part of the greeting. He didn’t fail as he recited all of the meanings that she had thought a ‘Good Morning’ could mean as a fauntling. She smiled as she finished their usual greeting with a cheery “Any and all of them Gandalf.”

“I’m looking for someone to share an adventure with,” Bilba smirked, well, at least, he had learned how to get to the point much sooner than he had with her mother; though both Belladonna and he had known what he had been there for and they had simply enjoyed seeing who would break first, usually her mother though sometimes she had managed to break Gandalf first.

She tilted her head as she thought; she didn’t have any parties that she had been invited to, nor any jobs to complete at the moment. If she left soon enough she wouldn’t catch any invites and have to say ‘no’ in order to hold onto her show of respectability among the hobbits of the Shire. As she looked back at the wizard she noticed that he had a hint of guilt in his gaze.

“How long do I have before whoever else you’ve roped into this adventure shows and what aren’t you telling me about it or them?” Gandalf winced slightly in anticipation of Bilba’s temper. He explained to her, briefly, about how they would be joining a company of dwarrows in their quest if she decided to join them, and that they would be arriving in time for dinner that night whether or not she decided to come on the quest. As he spoke he magicked a sign on the door to let the company know that this was the Smials they were to meet at. He left in a hurry to ‘tell the others’ but Bilba was sure that they already knew and that he was simply fleeing before she came out of her shock at how little time he had given her to let the Thain know. What was worse that she was expected to appear before the Thain tomorrow for her declaration as his heir.

“GANDALF!!!”


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

She spent the day splitting her time between updating her will and cooking, deciding that she could appear before the Thain tomorrow as planned and pronounce that she was leaving on her last adventure before she became the next Thain, conveniently leaving out that she might not be back in time. She cooked herself out of pantry of home, even having to go to the market to buy more food when she became concerned that she didn’t have enough to feed several dwarrows.

She was still in her cooking clothes when she collapsed in her chair by the fire for her first rest since early that morning. She was just about to go and change when a loud knock drew her attention to the door. Growling in frustration, could they have not been a few minutes later, she walked to the door.

In front of her was a dwarf, and she noticed several things about him on first glance. He was taller than she had expected and had several weapons on his person, and he was covered in tattoo’s.

“Dwalin, Son of Fundin, at your service. Is this the home of Bilbo Baggins?” His voice was gruff as he grunted out his question. Bilba simply shook her head and introduced herself properly before leading him to the dining room, completely ignoring the slightly confused look he sent her. Bilba didn’t realize that Dwalin had stopped until she had turned back to give him a mug of ale to slake his thirst.

He was standing in the doorway of the dining room, staring in awe at the feast that was spread out on the tables in front of him. He blinked in shock before looking at her with a mixture of suspicion, confusion and gratitude as he sat down at the table; taking the mug she handed him almost absently. When she saw the same indignant look she got when she suspected others of pitying her she explained.

“Gandalf only told me this morning that your company was coming and I’ve never fed dwarrow before, but if they're anything like Hobbits I needed a lot of food. Now that I think about it, he never mentioned how many of you were coming, do you think I made enough for everyone?” Bilba wrung her hands as she looked at the dwarf in front of her in concern.

Dwalin looked at her stoically before glancing across the hallway at the large and empty pantry and back to the feast before him. “Aye, lass. Though there may not be any food left if it tastes as good as it looks.” He decided he would talk with his brother before addressing the first part of her statement, after all, he could be mistaken but he thought that the wizard had said that he had gotten a burglar, at least, a month ago.

Bilba smiled and went to take a drink of a mug of ale before a knock on the door distracted her. Dwalin followed her line of sight, chuckling as he told her he would be fine, and watched as she sat the mug down and left the room. He gave into the impulse to give the lass a smile only when she went to greet the next dwarf that had arrived; he had a soft spot for the lass already and he didn’t want anyone to know until he knew whether she was going to come or not.

When she returned with Balin, Dwalin let another soft smile slip onto his face, ignoring the shocked look he received from his brother in return. They greeted each other in the ways of their people and when Dwalin heard the hobbit gasp at their seemingly violent headbutt he sent her a reassuring look. He missed the calculating look that Balin gave him as he did so, and when he turned back his brother was looking at the feast before them in awe.

“Aye, it’s a feast.” Dwalin handed his brother an ale and turned to talk to their host when the bell rang again. He watched in slight amusement as she sighed in frustration before turning to leave again. The moment that she left the room he turned to his brother and asked when Tharkun had told them he had found a burglar. He growled when his brother confirmed his suspicions, the wizard had twisted his words, and now their host didn’t even know what she was in for.

“Mister Dwalin!” Dwalin turned at the sound of his name and grinned his shark grin as he clapped Kili on the shoulder before ushering in Fili to the dining room. He made sure to impress upon the two lads not to eat until the others came. It wasn’t long after that, that the door rang several times and eight dwarrow literally fell through the door as the wizard looked on from behind in amusement. When asked about Thorin he simply said that he was late from meeting with their kin and that he'd be at the meeting tonight.

They ate joyfully and cleaned up after themselves with a song and throwing of dishes, which caused Bilba to scold them for scaring her. The company fell silent at the three booming knocks on the door. Bilba glared at Gandalf as he went to answer her own door as if it was his right to do so. At the front of the group she heard a deep voice say something about getting lost in the Shire twice and how he would have missed her home if it wasn’t for the mark on the door. That made her pause, because as far as she knew there was no mark on the door, it had just been painted for goodness sake.

When she voiced this thought she was answered by Gandalf, who seemed completely unrepentant of his actions, though she did not miss the look of apprehension when she told the wizard that she would have words with him later. Bilba then turned her attention toward the dwarf in front of her, barely managing to keep from gaping as she took in his majestic stance and piercing blue eyes.

“Who is this? You said that the hobbit had no ties Tharkun, so who is this lass?” His deep rolling voice flowed through her before she registered what had just been said.

“Excuse me, my name is Bilba Baggins, from what I’ve gathered you’re looking for Bilbo Baggins, and you have found him. I’ve often found that many on the road seem to be more willing to rob a lass than a lad even if both are of my size and seemingly peaceful demeanor. Since then I’ve hidden my gender unless I need those to underestimate me, which is useful in many places.” Bilba huffed as she lectured the dwarf in front of her, dropping hints about how they should not underestimate her if they knew what’s good for them.

Though if how the dwarf, later introduced as Thorin Oakenshield, continued to question her as if she had said nothing indicated anything, he did not get the hints. Bilba idly thought that perhaps it had been to subtly for this dwarf and many of the others surrounding her as well if their condescending looks indicated anything. She sighed as she followed after the group back into the dining room, ignoring everything until she heard a word that had always caught her attention, Quest.

When she asked about the Quest that the dwarrow were undertaking; she received a sympathetic look from Dwalin before her question was answered by the dwarf she thought was called Bofur. He briefly told her of the Lonely Mountain as a map was revealed, then after the matter of the key to the secret door was settled she was told about how she was their burglar.

Bilba scowled at Thorin when he roughly shoved the contract into her hands and began to skim through it, gaping when she hit the part of ‘Lacerations, Evisceration, and Incineration.’ She turned to look at the dwarrow in the manner that befits them all like they were all insane, but then she stopped. If they were insane, what was she for even thinking about going. She knew that she had thought that she would go but that had been before she knew that she would more than likely be cooked by dragon fire before she could return.

“I will not be able to leave with you in the morning,” Bilba shook her head as she thought about how she was going to explain her quest to the Thain. When she saw Gandalf open his mouth to argue she cut him off, “No. I have to see the Thain tomorrow, I’ll have to explain why I’ll be leaving the Shire right before I’m to take the title. He’s not doing well Gandalf, I’m to be Thain by the end of the year, so I simply cannot leave without making arrangements.”

The dwarrow looked confused throughout all of this, seemingly not understanding; Gandalf on the other hand gravely nodded as he told her to pass on his greetings and farewells. When he said this some of the older dwarrows confusion cleared, but not all.

“Excuse me Miss Baggins, but what’s a Thain?” Ori asked quietly from his place at the table. Bilba smiled and told them that perhaps they would like to retire to the sitting room where they would be more comfortable before any more questions were asked or answered. The dwarrow complied, pulling out their smoking pipes with silent inquiries on if they were allowed as they moved. Bilba simply pulled out her own pipe and sat before the roaring fire to light it. When they all had their pipes out and lit she settled back to answer.

“Well, I suppose that dwarrow and the Big Folk would consider the Thain the... ‘King’ of the Shire. I’m the favored grandchild of the Thain and I’m the next in the line; my mother was a Took and my father a Baggins, thankfully, I seem to have received the best of both families.” Bilba watched as the dwarrows reacted, eyes widening and faces seeming to lose every ounce of blood in them.

“You’re a Princess?! Oh Mahal, what are you doing helping us, you should be staying to help your own people,” Fili cried out in great shock after a beat of silence where the crickets reigned.

Bilba’s brows furrowed in slight confusion before she figured that they didn’t know that there were others just as prepared for the title to take her place; leaving her able to help the dwarrow who had no home.

“There are many others who can take my place, those who are just as prepared and who love our people just as much as I do, and while I do love my people, they are not the one’s who need help. If the Dwarrow of Erebor had come to the Shire after Smaug, you would have been helped. While we do not particularly care for strangers, having long been put off of outsiders by Gandalf, we hobbits would not turn any in need of aid away, certainly not those who had been driven from their home. All beings deserve a home, but your’s was taken from you and I would help you get it back if I can, for being deserves what the Dwarrow of Erebor received.”

Utter silence met her words and Bilba looked up from her lap in concern that she had offended her guest; the sight that met her was heartbreakingly sincere. Every Dwarf in the room had glistening eyes, and many looked either shocked beyond words or moment away from sobbing, even Gandalf seemed touched by her words.

After that, the night was eclipsed in a comfortable silence that stayed among them even after small conversations were stuck up between the occupants of Bilba’s Smial. They split off into groups, each shown to their rooms, slowly throughout the night, and each group fell asleep with her words still ringing in their ears.

The next morning Bilba was awake at dawn and left her guests a note saying that she would meet them in Bree tomorrow before she left to meet with the Thain. She brought the contract that she had signed the night before, as well as several documents that needed to be signed so that if she did not return then all was taken care of. She had also drawn up a trade agreement that she was sure that the kingdom of Erebor wouldn’t mind too terribly, she still had to get Thorin to agree to it, but she had several months to talk to him about it before she would more that likely die by dragon fire. It held contingencies for the possibilities of their quest failing, or succeeding but with Thorin deceased, just in case.

The meeting with the hobbit council and the Thain went well, considering that the heir had announced that she was leaving for one last adventure right after the formal declaration that made her the next Thain. They had protested but when she told them that she had already given her word to go, they all backed off, it was well known that the Baggins kept their word, and with the Took stubbornness, Bilba was likely to run off then break her word.

She arrived back home to an empty Smial by the time the sun was at its peak and finished her packing, grabbing last minute things that she had needed the night before. She slipped out of her home, leaving the key with her gardener Hamfast as usual, and bounded down the path to Bree. She walked through the afternoon, not slowing as the heat grew, and then walked on even when it began to grow dark. She had walked the same path so many times that she knew she would be able to find her way in the pitch black dark if need be.

She arrived at the gate of Bree shortly before midnight and was ushered through to the Prancing Pony when she announced who she was. She greeted her friends and acquaintances as she made her way to the bar after having dropped her pack off into her room. She saw a small group of the dwarrow who were apart of the company in the corner of the room and grabbed her pint of special hobbit brew before going over to them.


	3. Apologies

Hey, everyone. I'm sorry that I've neglected to update. I had a horrible case of writer's block and a lot of stressful things happened to me. Thankfully, I've managed to come out of everything stronger and I'll be working on all of my works, some may be completely rewritten and others may simply get edited. Either way, I will be posting more and I hope you like it all. If any of you have an idea that you want me to incorporate, into a story, message me and I'll let you know if I decide to add it. Thank you all for your patience and support.


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